Argh, I'm a horrible blogger. Figured it was about time to update this thing! My last post back in April was about finding the strength to try again. After our second failed IVF, I will admit, I was a wreck. I went through the motions during the day - wake up, eat breakfast, put a smile on my face and head to work...It was so mentally exhausting to me that by the time I got home at 5 pm, I would spend the better part of 3 hours either being snappy at my husband, or, when he was working nights, crying for hours. I couldn't even pray. I was just so angry, so defeated. This, my friends, was depression. When I finally accepted that I had been through too much to deal on my own, I began taking Celexa ( per doctors orders, of course.) After about a month, I started feeling like myself again. I started smiling again. I accepted the fact that I may never carry my child, but no matter how that little one came home, he/ she would be my miracle, and would be loved unconditionally. So, after mass efforts to spread the word that we were ready to become parents, no matter what, everyone in our small town knows our story of cancer survival and infertility, and everyone knows that we would love to adopt. We've had several phone calls from people asking if it was ok to share our numbers, etc with "someone they know who is thinking about adoption." So far, no call backs, but I am so thrilled that people are so aware of our story. I have also began helping FaithnFertility out some with Face Book posts, etc. This has helped me in SOOOO many ways..I have learned about SOOO many other types of infertility that people struggle with while doing research for FNF topics. Posting on FNF, starting discussions, being a part of what SO many women, and men, have to say on how they feel..Man, there is nothing like in..In a world where I felt so alone, there are SO many people out there like me! FNF has brought us all together! Visit FNF to find out how you can help!
At this point, I am not sure if I will ever feel ok to do another full IVF cycle. Emotionally, physically, it takes a toll... The nearest clinic is Memphis, TN, a two hour drive from our home in west TN. Time off of work, hormones, experiencing loss.. Mentally, I'm not sure I will ever be there. Our doctor did, however, offer us a deal we could not turn down on a Frozen Embryo Transfer. Our second IVF resulted in the freezing of one, tiny little 6 day blast ( I have named what I am convinced is a him, Javier...Where did I get Javier you ask? The movie Courageous of course!) I know stats wise, embryos sometimes don't thaw, and most of the time don't result in pregnancy. But I can't hang on to him forever. So, one week ago today, I began BCP for this frozen embryo cycle. I hopefully being Lupron injections after my May 30th visit, and, if everything goes as planned, we will transfer the week of June 18.
Our infertility as been a defining factor in my life. As horrible as it is, it has made me the person that I am today. I am so compassionate about this cause, and I hope that by spreading the word, more people will come forward with their battle and not try to fight it alone!
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