Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Pregnancy Loss: My daily struggle..

11 days  since my D&C.  The physical pain is minimal; the emotional pain is sometimes overbearing.  The toll that infertility in itself can take on a person and on a marriage is sometimes devastating.  The toll that losing my IVF miracle, which I prayed for 2 years for, has been catastrophic.  I never believed that a mother formed a connection with her child in early pregnancy.  Now my view is totally different.  I could not yet physically feel my baby at 9 weeks, but from the day I got that positive beta, I formed a connection with my unborn child.  I no longer felt like my body belonged to me.  My body belonged to my baby.  Its sole purpose was to take care of my child.  I no longer felt alone when I was physically alone.  From the 5th week on, we watched our baby grow.  We watched that beautiful heart flicker on the screen of our child.  I came home from the surgery center that day, feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my body.  A part of me was left there that day, and that part of me will never be whole again.  I will never stop aching for my baby.  They say that time heals all pain, and I have to believe that. 
Yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry.  I think that is a big step forward.  I laughed a little for the first time in over a week.  The thing that keeps me going is the feeling that there has to be a reason for all of this.  There is a purpose.  I chose not to believe that it is because my child wasn’t genetically perfect (my baby WAS perfect, that is why I chose not to have it sent for genetic testing.)  There is some reason, which will slap me in the face one day.  I didn’t pray after I lost my baby.  I didn’t have the words or thoughts.  All I felt was anger.  I am still angry; but last night I was able to ask why.  I asked to please show me why, that there HAD to be a reason, and I need to see what it is.  People say that God needed my baby more than I did, that is was too special for earth.  I’m not sure I can find comfort in that yet, but I know my baby is in Heaven, perfectly healthy, and hopefully sitting on that front porch swing between my grandma and grandpa, like I did so many times as a child. 
I will get thru this.  My marriage will survive this.  One day at a time. 

"Each day is a new life. Seize it. Live it."
~ David Guy Powers


  1. Still praying for you! My heart has been so heavy since reading your last post. One piece of advice about your marriage, DON'T shut your husband out. That was one of my huge faults. Also I don't know if it will will help or not but here is a poem that the preacher read at our babies funeral and I still catch my self reading it all the time.

    Precious Little One

    I’m just a precious little one who
    didn't make it there.
    I went straight to be with Jesus,
    but I’m waiting for you here.
    Many dwelling here where I live
    waited years to enter in.
    Struggled through a world of sorrow,
    a world marred with pain and sin.
    Thank you for the life you gave me,
    it was brief but don’t complain.
    I have all Heaven’s Glory,
    suffered none of earth’s great pain.
    Thank you for the name you gave me.
    I’d have loved to bring it fame.
    But if I’d lingered in earth’s shadows,
    I would have suffered just the same.
    So sweet family - don’t you sorrow.
    Wipe those tears and chase the gloom.
    I went straight to Jesus` arms
    from my loving Mother’s womb.

  2. Jess, I have not and will not quit praying for you and matt. We love y'all and please please please let me know if there is anything I can do.

  3. Thank you for sharing. I love so much how you wrote it: your love for that little flickering heartbeat... It is a memory that will always remain in your heart, as it does in ours. As a dad, I'll never forget the excitement to see the simultaneous heartbeat of my triplets. And yes, you're right, the answer is not that God needed our children more than us. The why will remain unanswered until we get to see them again, and never let go. God bless.

  4. Bess- Maybe the reason is here. Maybe it's happening right now. :)... I love you!