Thursday, August 16, 2012

Rest in Peace, My Angel..The end of life as we know it

It has been a long while since I updated this blog.  My last post, we were preparing for the FET of our last embryo.  On June 28, 2012 our single frozen blast was transferred.  After the usual three days on bed rest, I went back to life as normal.  I drank my caffeine, I went to work, and I bought a new Jeep.  I guess I figured if two fresh cycles hadn’t worked, why would a single frozen embryo, right?
Oh so wrong.  Beta day was July 07.  I felt fine.  Wasn’t expecting a good phone call, and had already decided that I would not let myself get down when we got the negative results.  When the nurse called that afternoon, she said “well, you’re pregnant...BUT”  …got to love that word.  Beta level was 38.  She said that sometimes frozen embryos can implant later and produce lower numbers, so what was more important was that the number doubled within 48 hours.  So cautiously optimistic, I cried with my husband, and prayed so hard that Monday’s beta would have doubled. 
Monday afternoon, I got the phone call at work that my number had not only doubled, but almost tripled to 113.  She joyfully told me that the numbers did what they wanted, and the Dr. didn’t want another beta, and scheduled me for my first ultrasound for a little over 6 weeks.  To say I was the closest I have ever felt to heaven is an understatement.  After cancer treatment, 2 failed IVF’s, and many, many prayers, I had a baby growing inside me. 
Around 5 weeks, after some cramping at work, I came home to find blood when I went to the bathroom.  After crying hysterically, a trip to the ER for a beta, and an emergency ultrasound at the clinic the next morning to make sure the baby wasn’t in my tubes, we were told that they couldn’t find a source for the bleeding, and although it was too early to look for the baby/ heartbeat, I had a beautiful, perfectly sized gestational sac and yolk sac in my uterus.  I was told to relax and come back the next week for the viability scan.  Than whole week I prayed and prayed, and hoped for good news.  The weekend before my next scan was scheduled, I went to the bathroom on that Friday night and noticed a bunch of bright red blood.  We frantically called the on call nurse, who told me to go straight to bed, and come in first thing Monday morning for a scan.  I bled bright red, passing some sort of tissue for roughly 24 hours.  That Monday morning, I cried getting ready for the doctor.  I wasn’t ready for bad news.  When she began the scan at 6 weeks 1 day, we immediately saw the most beautiful flicker on the screen.  Our baby had a heart beat!! 105 beautiful beats per minute.  My miracle measured perfect.  They did find a small SCH which was the source of the bleeding, but were not concerned about it at all.  I was told to come back in another week, and we would look for growth and an increase in heart rate.
After a picture perfect week, no bleeding, no morning sickness, and taking it easy, we returned at 7 weeks 3 days for our 3rd scan.  Again, we immediately saw that beautiful flicker and a huge baby (compared to the speck of rice the week before.)  Baby measured perfectly on track, heart rate of 162.  The RE cut me down to every other day on PIO injections, and began weaning me off of estradiol.  He also said that next week, if everything was still going good, we would make a call to my OB to schedule our first appointment.
Oh my gosh.  This was finally starting to feel real.  I had a baby growing inside me.  With a beating heart.  A perfect miracle. 

Last Thursday, we got ready for our weekly appointment.  I was a little nervous, but tried to push it to the back of my mind, because I am always nervous before appointments.  We got into the ultrasound room, and immediately noticed how big the baby had gotten.  You could see its head, arms, legs, and umbilical cord.  What you could not see immediately however was that beautiful flicker.  After trying and trying and trying, my husband finally said “there is no heart beat is there.”  ….  That was the end of life as we know it.  My baby was dead.  My beautiful, miracle, whom I had grown inside me for almost 9 weeks, was dead.  I was so shocked I could not speak.  I could not think.  The ultrasound tech ran out of the room in tears to get the doctor.  All I could think was that I could not pass my baby at home.  I could not go through that.  I could not sit at home and wait on it to happen.  So the doctor scheduled me for a D&C the next day.  I cried all the way through the procedure until they put me out, and I came home and slept most of the afternoon.  I got straight up the next morning, took the top off of my Jeep, and I spent 4 hours driving around alone.  When I finally came home I fell apart.  I cried until I could not breathe.  I cried until I could not see.  I couldn’t make anyone understand how empty I felt.  How alone I felt..It had been me and our baby for over 2 months..and now I was empty again.  Our hearts are so broken, I feel like I may never re-cooperate from it.  I loved my baby so much already.  Today is my second day back to work and I have had my office door shut most of the day, because I just can’t fight the tears. 
“ An Angel in the book of life wrote down our baby’s birth..and  as she closed the book she gently whispered, “too beautiful for earth.”
I hope you’re happy in Heaven, mommy and daddy’s miracle…


  1. My heart breaks for you reading this post. After loosing our son at 20 weeks, a year ago, I know the empty feeling you have. Please know Im praying for you and your husband. Im sorry that is all I can offer to you!

  2. Wow my heart aches for you. I too went through a miscarriage after I had already seen a heartbeat and it is the most devastating feeling I have ever felt. I wish I had words that could like a magic wand fix your pain but I dont. I will keep you in my prayers and I pray that you will get your earthly baby while your earthly angel can watch and protect from above.

  3. I'm so very sorry for your loss. No words will ever mend your broken heart, but know that God is with you as you grieve the loss of your little one.

  4. There are no words that can express my sympathy to both you and your husband for your loss. My heart breaks at the reading of this. I'm sorry doesn't seem to cut it, literally there are no words. I know I'm a stranger, but know that this stranger will be lifting you up and covering you both in prayer. Thank you for sharing your story and your journey with us. Thank you.