Monday, December 3, 2012

Infertility will NOT define me

I will NOT let infertility define me…


From the moment my husband and I pledged our lives to each other, it seems, we knew we wanted to become parents.  It was not “if” we have children, it was “when” we have children.  Coming from a big family (only one sibling, but oodles of cousins,) I couldn’t imagine having it any other way.  I pictured cute little button nose babies with my wild curly hair and my husband’s brown eyes.  

Going into IVF #1, I had the most positive attitude.  I was so excited, I was only 23 years old, medically healthy, DH’s sperm was excellent when it was frozen a few years prior…This was going to work, we were going to be parents.   Everything went perfect- great response, two embryos put back…and then BFN.  Ok, a bump in the road, we still had two frozen vials left…The day of that negative beta, I started planning for round number two.  Saving where I could, planning ways to raise money to try again, planning for time off of work…6 months later, we were off to another unsuccessful round of IVF.  The devastation I felt with that second BFN was horrible.  I was young and healthy, how could this be happening again?  Six long months of wondering what our next step would be after we put back our only remaining frozen embryo…

After our third round of treatment in March, a rough 9 weeks of being pregnant, and a devastating doctor’s appointment to find out our only remaining miracle had lost his/her heartbeat at 9 weeks, and a D&C, we decided that we would not be using our last remaining vial of sperm for another IVF, and our doctor agreed.  I can say that losing a child, even if you only carried that child for 9 weeks, is unlike any feeling in the world.  It is like every bad day you have had, piled into one.  The anger and sadness, so overwhelming at times that you wonder if you will ever get out of bed again, ever smile again.  I left a piece of my heart in that surgery center that day that I will never get back.  I will never be the same again. 

Fast forward 4 months, and I NEED to crawl out of this safe place I have tucked my heart into.  I need to move on.  We know that adoption, whether it be embryo adoption or newborn adoption, will be the the road that will lead us to parenthood.  I don’t know how we will ever afford it, or how we will get there, but it is our option, it is where our hearts are.  I cannot let infertility define me any longer.  I cannot keep being the poor girl who can’t have kids on her own.  I am ready to be whole, I am ready to become someone who can take something bad in her life and make it positive and inspirational. 


Proverbs 31:25

“She is clothed with strength and dignity;

    she can laugh at the days to come.”

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