How do we find the strength to try again after a failed cycle...and then another failed cycle..It's amazing what our minds and our bodies can endure. The questions that run through my mind after each failed IVF... Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished while everyone else can build a family? ...And the main two that I struggle with are 1.) Haven't we already been through enough? ( My husband is a cancer survivor = the reason for our infertility) and 2.) If I were healthier, would my embryo's have wanted to stick around? When my first IVF failed, I went through a period of mourning my lost babies, but held a little bit of optimism. After about a week, I geared up and starting saving, planning, preparing to try again. We had no frozen embryos from this cycle, so we knew it would be another fresh cycle. With our second failure in October of 2011, came a whole new set of emotions. I went through a phase where I was so angry at myself, my doctors, and at one point, even God. After all, we only had 3 vials of sperm frozen prior to Matt's chemotherapy, and now 2 of them were gone. I also suffered from depression. I never wanted to be the person who had to rely on medication to feel better. But after weeks of spending every afternoon and evening crying and living in confinement away from any chance that I may see a pregnant person, or a baby, I began taking Celexa, which I took for 4 months. I have been off of it for about 4 weeks now, and so far so good. I decided that 2012 would be a better year for me. I would try to become a healthier (both mentally and physically) version of myself. We also made the decision that we wanted to explore private adoption. Our story on FNF has been shared hundreds of times. I am emotionally in a better state now than I have been since before we began ART. While I don't want to do another fresh cycle anytime in the near future, I have agreed to a FET in June. We did have one little embryo make it to freeze with our second IVF. The realization that I will become a mother one day, whether that child is genetically "ours" or not, has given me the strength to try again. I have also set a personal goal for myself. I WILL run a 5k at least one time before thaw day. I have never been able to run, and so I decided that this year I am going to get in shape, and I WILL learn how to run. I began week 4 of a 9 week Couch-to-5k program, and am so happy to say that tonight I hit the half way mark, and successfully ran half of the 5k. This in itself is a milestone for me. I have also offically lost 10 pounds! I know this may seem silly, but God willing, our embryo survives thaw and is transferred, I will KNOW that I am not to blame. I will know that I am healthy, physically and emotionally, and that I have prepared my body for pregnancy.
How do you find the strength to try again?
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