A Dream is Wish that your Heart Makes...Loving life as mommy

Wow..Reading back from my last post in December, I had no clue what was heading my way in just over a month...Life has been a whirl wind since, and I haven't looked back..Loving every minute of it!  A post soon to catch up..

My love, Hunter Gabriel

 

 

Adoption Blog..Help us spread the word!

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See our other blog HERE

Pregnancy Loss: My daily struggle..

11 days  since my D&C.  The physical pain is minimal; the emotional pain is sometimes overbearing.  The toll that infertility in itself can take on a person and on a marriage is sometimes devastating.  The toll that losing my IVF miracle, which I prayed for 2 years for, has been catastrophic.  I never believed that a mother formed a connection with her child in early pregnancy.  Now my view is totally different.  I could not yet physically feel my baby at 9 weeks, but from the day I got that positive beta, I formed a connection with my unborn child.  I no longer felt like my body belonged to me.  My body belonged to my baby.  Its sole purpose was to take care of my child.  I no longer felt alone when I was physically alone.  From the 5^th week on, we watched our baby grow.  We watched that beautiful heart flicker on the screen of our child.  I came home from the surgery center that day, feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my body.  A part of me was left there that day, and that part of me will never be whole again.  I will never stop aching for my baby.  They say that time heals all pain, and I have to believe that. 

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry.  I think that is a big step forward.  I laughed a little for the first time in over a week.  The thing that keeps me going is the feeling that there has to be a reason for all of this.  There is a purpose.  I chose not to believe that it is because my child wasn’t genetically perfect (my baby WAS perfect, that is why I chose not to have it sent for genetic testing.)  There is some reason, which will slap me in the face one day.  I didn’t pray after I lost my baby.  I didn’t have the words or thoughts.  All I felt was anger.  I am still angry; but last night I was able to ask why.  I asked to please show me why, that there HAD to be a reason, and I need to see what it is.  People say that God needed my baby more than I did, that is was too special for earth.  I’m not sure I can find comfort in that yet, but I know my baby is in Heaven, perfectly healthy, and hopefully sitting on that front porch swing between my grandma and grandpa, like I did so many times as a child. 

I will get thru this.  My marriage will survive this.  One day at a time. 

"Each day is a new life. Seize it. Live it."

~ David Guy Powers

Rest in Peace, My Angel..The end of life as we know it

It has been a long while since I updated this blog.  My last post, we were preparing for the FET of our last embryo.  On June 28, 2012 our single frozen blast was transferred.  After the usual three days on bed rest, I went back to life as normal.  I drank my caffeine, I went to work, and I bought a new Jeep.  I guess I figured if two fresh cycles hadn’t worked, why would a single frozen embryo, right?

Oh so wrong.  Beta day was July 07.  I felt fine.  Wasn’t expecting a good phone call, and had already decided that I would not let myself get down when we got the negative results.  When the nurse called that afternoon, she said “well, you’re pregnant...BUT”  …got to love that word.  Beta level was 38.  She said that sometimes frozen embryos can implant later and produce lower numbers, so what was more important was that the number doubled within 48 hours.  So cautiously optimistic, I cried with my husband, and prayed so hard that Monday’s beta would have doubled. 

Monday afternoon, I got the phone call at work that my number had not only doubled, but almost tripled to 113.  She joyfully told me that the numbers did what they wanted, and the Dr. didn’t want another beta, and scheduled me for my first ultrasound for a little over 6 weeks.  To say I was the closest I have ever felt to heaven is an understatement.  After cancer treatment, 2 failed IVF’s, and many, many prayers, I had a baby growing inside me. 

Around 5 weeks, after some cramping at work, I came home to find blood when I went to the bathroom.  After crying hysterically, a trip to the ER for a beta, and an emergency ultrasound at the clinic the next morning to make sure the baby wasn’t in my tubes, we were told that they couldn’t find a source for the bleeding, and although it was too early to look for the baby/ heartbeat, I had a beautiful, perfectly sized gestational sac and yolk sac in my uterus.  I was told to relax and come back the next week for the viability scan.  Than whole week I prayed and prayed, and hoped for good news.  The weekend before my next scan was scheduled, I went to the bathroom on that Friday night and noticed a bunch of bright red blood.  We frantically called the on call nurse, who told me to go straight to bed, and come in first thing Monday morning for a scan.  I bled bright red, passing some sort of tissue for roughly 24 hours.  That Monday morning, I cried getting ready for the doctor.  I wasn’t ready for bad news.  When she began the scan at 6 weeks 1 day, we immediately saw the most beautiful flicker on the screen.  Our baby had a heart beat!! 105 beautiful beats per minute.  My miracle measured perfect.  They did find a small SCH which was the source of the bleeding, but were not concerned about it at all.  I was told to come back in another week, and we would look for growth and an increase in heart rate.

After a picture perfect week, no bleeding, no morning sickness, and taking it easy, we returned at 7 weeks 3 days for our 3^rd scan.  Again, we immediately saw that beautiful flicker and a huge baby (compared to the speck of rice the week before.)  Baby measured perfectly on track, heart rate of 162.  The RE cut me down to every other day on PIO injections, and began weaning me off of estradiol.  He also said that next week, if everything was still going good, we would make a call to my OB to schedule our first appointment.

Oh my gosh.  This was finally starting to feel real.  I had a baby growing inside me.  With a beating heart.  A perfect miracle. 

Last Thursday, we got ready for our weekly appointment.  I was a little nervous, but tried to push it to the back of my mind, because I am always nervous before appointments.  We got into the ultrasound room, and immediately noticed how big the baby had gotten.  You could see its head, arms, legs, and umbilical cord.  What you could not see immediately however was that beautiful flicker.  After trying and trying and trying, my husband finally said “there is no heart beat is there.”  ….  That was the end of life as we know it.  My baby was dead.  My beautiful, miracle, whom I had grown inside me for almost 9 weeks, was dead.  I was so shocked I could not speak.  I could not think.  The ultrasound tech ran out of the room in tears to get the doctor.  All I could think was that I could not pass my baby at home.  I could not go through that.  I could not sit at home and wait on it to happen.  So the doctor scheduled me for a D&C the next day.  I cried all the way through the procedure until they put me out, and I came home and slept most of the afternoon.  I got straight up the next morning, took the top off of my Jeep, and I spent 4 hours driving around alone.  When I finally came home I fell apart.  I cried until I could not breathe.  I cried until I could not see.  I couldn’t make anyone understand how empty I felt.  How alone I felt..It had been me and our baby for over 2 months..and now I was empty again.  Our hearts are so broken, I feel like I may never re-cooperate from it.  I loved my baby so much already.  Today is my second day back to work and I have had my office door shut most of the day, because I just can’t fight the tears. 

“ An Angel in the book of life wrote down our baby’s birth..and  as she closed the book she gently whispered, “too beautiful for earth.”

I hope you’re happy in Heaven, mommy and daddy’s miracle…

Hello Lupron Headache

Hello Lupron Headache . . . .

Why hello! I was wondering how long it would take you to arrive.  I knew to expect you, I just didn’t count on you showing up so soon, so unexpected. 

Argh…I did Lupron injections during IVF #1 ….I did Gainarelix (spelling?) during numero dos….So, its been a while.. I’m not one to have severe side effects from fertility drugs (if you don’t count the rage, mood swings, need to break things…) but I did have some headaches from Lupron the first time.  It just seems like it took it a tid bit longer to get into my system than one measly injection. 

All complaining aside, the shot went fairly well..If you’ve given yourself one shot, you’ve given yourself a million. 

This morning I started 2mg of Estrace, that will be done morning and evening..I did use Estrace the last time, just a blue pill, no biggy, right? 

The things we ladies do to have children…

God's Perfect Timing...

God’s perfect timing…

I have been studying Baby Hunger (an amazing book by Beth Forbus) on and off for a while now.  Today, I started reading Zacharias & Elizabeth’s story again.  This story is a perfect example of how God does things in His perfect time.  Sometimes, that concept is *SO hard for me to grasp.  We have been through so much - first cancer, and for the past two and a half years, infertility.  I’m tired of waiting..I am READY.

Zacharias and Elizabeth were amazing people.  Always doing things according to God’s will, and living the life that a Christian couple should live.  They were very deserving, outstanding people.  The only thing wrong with Zacharias and Elizabeth was the thing that has proven to be a hurdle for so many of us: they could not conceive.  We can all mostly relate to this.  We are good people.  We live our lives the right way.  We would make wonderful parents, raise our children in church, provide a loving and stable household for our children – yet we have been through relentless cycles, needle pokes, and negative tests.  Why is it fair that the couple that is addicted to drugs, who fights constantly, and do so many un-Godly things, can bring home children, yet we can’t? Why can the 15 year old girl, who has just began living herself, get pregnant, but I can’t?  I know I’m not alone..I’m not the only person who has felt this way. 

Beth Forbus writes, “You may have felt that God is punishing you for some wrong you have committed, or perhaps punishing your spouse…”  I, personally, have had that exact same sentence run through my head.  She then writes “God had a purpose and a plan for this couple (Zacharias & Elizabeth) and for their child.  He had an appointed time for this child to be born.  This child was a child of purpose...”  God knew that their child was destined to be someone special.  Jeremiah 1:5 says, ““Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  Had God not made Elizabeth barren, and then filled her womb in that particular time in her life, perhaps they would have not borne John the Baptist! 

So, you see, maybe God IS waiting on the perfect time to fill your womb.  He already knows which child is destined to be YOUR child.  He already knows your perfect match.  Whether it be through adoption or pregnancy, God already has MY child picked for me.  I just have to learn to wait for His timing. 

   

Today I just feel..

Today I just feel….

Today I just feel numb.  When battling infertility, you have to train yourself to become numb, in a sense.  You battle a number of different emotions during the process.  Some days I am so angry that I feel like I could strangle any and every fertile woman out there.  (that is something considering as far as we know, I am super fertile.)  Other days, I’m so sad, that dragging myself out of bed and getting ready to face the day just wears me down.  On the rare occasion, I am actually able to look at a baby bump, or a newborn, and think “someday that will be me.”  Then there are days like today..days when the only word that could possibly be used to describe my mood would be numb… I am impartial..I am just going through the motions until 5 o’clock so I can go home and shut myself up away from everything. 

The Strength to Try Again...

How do we find the strength to try again after a failed cycle...and then another failed cycle..It's amazing what our minds and our bodies can endure. The questions that run through my mind after each failed IVF... Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished while everyone else can build a family? ...And the main two that I struggle with are 1.) Haven't we already been through enough? ( My husband is a cancer survivor = the reason for our infertility) and 2.) If I were healthier, would my embryo's have wanted to stick around? When my first IVF failed, I went through a period of mourning my lost babies, but held a little bit of optimism. After about a week, I geared up and starting saving, planning, preparing to try again. We had no frozen embryos from this cycle, so we knew it would be another fresh cycle. With our second failure in October of 2011, came a whole new set of emotions. I went through a phase where I was so angry at myself, my doctors, and at one point, even God. After all, we only had 3 vials of sperm frozen prior to Matt's chemotherapy, and now 2 of them were gone. I also suffered from depression. I never wanted to be the person who had to rely on medication to feel better. But after weeks of spending every afternoon and evening crying and living in confinement away from any chance that I may see a pregnant person, or a baby, I began taking Celexa, which I took for 4 months. I have been off of it for about 4 weeks now, and so far so good. I decided that 2012 would be a better year for me. I would try to become a healthier (both mentally and physically) version of myself. We also made the decision that we wanted to explore private adoption. Our story on FNF has been shared hundreds of times. I am emotionally in a better state now than I have been since before we began ART. While I don't want to do another fresh cycle anytime in the near future, I have agreed to a FET in June. We did have one little embryo make it to freeze with our second IVF. The realization that I will become a mother one day, whether that child is genetically "ours" or not, has given me the strength to try again. I have also set a personal goal for myself. I WILL run a 5k at least one time before thaw day. I have never been able to run, and so I decided that this year I am going to get in shape, and I WILL learn how to run. I began week 4 of a 9 week Couch-to-5k program, and am so happy to say that tonight I hit the half way mark, and successfully ran half of the 5k. This in itself is a milestone for me. I have also offically lost 10 pounds! I know this may seem silly, but God willing, our embryo survives thaw and is transferred, I will KNOW that I am not to blame. I will know that I am healthy, physically and emotionally, and that I have prepared my body for pregnancy.

How do you find the strength to try again?

I neeeeeed help!!!!

So far, our blog post paired with our journey on the FNF website has been shared many times! Yay! Also, our pin on pinterest has been repinned..I am trying and trying to get the word out there, I need suggestions! I have gotten several suggestions from people, like sending our story to school counselors, etc...Any information or suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!

Oh how Pinteresting Wednesday!

Link up over at The Vintage Apple

I enjoyed this so much last week, I thought I would do it again!

Since I am on an exercising spree here lately, and trying really hard to lose weight, I have been looking at fitness pins galore....for motivation and tips!

Another pinterest board I have started deals with my 2 year battle with infertility....Really great pins on there about infertility, inspiration, and I have even been pinning things that I would do in my nursery if I were a mom..

Sad, Sad, Sad

I hoped that I could start 2012 with a new outlook...I hoped that my broken heart would somehow, miracously, mend itself.  But it hasn't..We are now 11 days into the new year...And I'm finding it harder and harder to put a smile on my face.  Don't get me wrong..I am SO thankful for my health, my husbands health, and my amazing family.  But I am just stuck...I always had a plan..I would be married by 23, which I was...and a mother by 25..Obviously, God and I didn't have the same plan..Instead, I am an almost 26 year old, motherless woman..Stuck because I can't afford another IVF...and even if I could, I'm not sure if I could put my body and mind through another..And with my husband's medical history, we can't afford to put our money into an adoption agency, because we have been told that cancer survivors rarely get placed with newborn babies.  So, there's nothing I can do, unless someone just decides, "Hey, I want you to raise my baby."  and it stinks... All of my friends are mothers, or almost mothers...bonding with each other..and I'm just here alone..I don't fit in with them, I don't have diapers and breast feeding or anything to talk about with them...I don't feel like I have a place to belong anymore...Except with my FNF girls... And I don't think any of them live around here...So where do I go from here??? 

Something new, big, and exciting!!!!

As the beginning date for our next IVF draws nearer, I would like to share some wonderful friends that I have met through infertility.  Amy and Logan are two amazing ladies who are doing wonderful things.  They have taken the ugly battle with infertility, and turned it into something inspirational, informative, and supportive for ladies like myself who struggle with infertility.  I encourage you to please take a moment out of your day, whether you struggle with infertility or not, to go read their blogs.  Read their journey.  It gives me so much encouragement to know that I am not alone, and that these ladies, despite the hurt that infertility has caused, still believe and trust whole heartedly in our God. 

They are also doing something else big! They have started a non profit organization called Faith N Fertility Journey's for women like myself who are struggling and need support.  I also encourage you to visit their Facebook page (search for Faith N Fertility Journeys.) There are tons of info, links, blogs, and ladies/men that are there willing to listen and help! 

To end this post with the biggest news of all, Faith N Fertility Journey's will be launching their website, faithnfertility.org in September.  There you will find tons of information and links and even meet ladies who have struggled, are struggling, and are beginning their journeys with infertility!  Exciting things to come!!!

Logan's Blog Here

Amy's Blog Here

Where do I go from here? Adoption?

Is that I could find a couple, teenage or married, that are expecting but don't think they could take care of their child...wish for a better life for their child.  I don't want to go through the whole process of applying and waiting..I want God to bring me a couple that have a baby for me to love and take care of...that will just choose me because they know how much I want to be a mother...and how much my dh wants to be a father... I promise I would love that child, raise it, and take care of it like it was my own, because it would be my own.... If you know that couple, could you please send them my way?

miscellany monday

[uno.] vertigo.

i have been dealing with bouts of this for a long time. web md definition is "a feeling that you or your surroundings are moving when there is no actual movement. you may feel as though you are spinning, whirling, falling, or tilting. when you have severe vertigo, you may feel very nauseated or vomit. you may have trouble walking or standing, and you may lose your balance and fall. "

boy is this ever a true definition.  friday night we double dated with another officer and his wife.  i am no stranger to car sickness, so i took my scopace about thirty minutes before go time.  well no sooner than we got started, the carsick feeling started.  it lasted all the way to jackson.  while we were walking around the stores, it subsides, so i chalked it up to the ride over.  well as soon as we walked into chile's (my faaaavvvorite restaurant) the nausea hit again.  i didn't even get to eat my food..ugh.. this pattern continued for the entire weekend.  needless to say, i didn't enjoy my weekend very much.

[dos.] 2ww, af, dh, ivf, art, awol, ba, bcp, bfn, bfp, bw,cd,cm, fet,hcg,hsg...and so on and so forth..

these abbreviations are taking over my brain.  i dream about them at night and i can blurt them out at a moment's notice.  as a matter of fact i am pretty sure that i am getting on my co worker's nerves with them.  but today, i realized that i really don't care.  i don't care what any of them think about it, how inconsiderate they are towards my feelings about it, or how little they actually understand about it.  i am doing this for me and for my husband.  i am not them.  they did not have to go through all of this to have a child.  they did not have to wonder if god would ever bless them with a child, and while i am on the list of things they didn't have to do, they never had to watch their husband fight for his life, which inevitable led to the infertility.  i am not in the mood to be at work today. obviously.

[three.] conceptions and misconceptions.

my newest read.  i just started it so i can't really tell if i am going to like it yet, but it had good reviews and it is written kind of like a text book. boring, i know, but i need something informative.  i am trying to take in as much information as possbile about ivf before i start.  i really would love some more suggestions so if anyone has read any good books relating to ivf, please inform me!

TGIF, now need to raise $3980.00 for IVF in January!!

TGIF!!!!! It has been SUCH a long week and is going to be a LONG weekend!!! I'm sooo happy to have Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off.  I hope I will get some MUCH needed rest and house work finished.  By the way, does TGIF make anyone else think of this?

\

I always think of these shows when I think about the phrase TGIF...I can remember the excitement of waiting ALL week to watch my favorite shows...Cokes, popcorn, TV time with mom, dad, and little brother. 

Anyways, I'm not as down in the dumps as I was yesterday.  Some days when people come in and out with their new babies or their cute little toddlers..I think I bet they didn't have to come up with 13 grand to have their baby..I guess that's jealousy rearing it's ugly head? 

I just have to keep telling myself when I hold that sweet baby (babies) in my arms, it will all be worth it! And I know it will.

Just $3,980.00 until IVF. (Thanks Kandi)

Any more thoughts or opinions on how I can raise money for our IVF?? Any cancer survivor organizations, etc that might donate money to help survivors who are infertile due to chemotheraphy? Organizations that will donate medications, etc to infertile couples? Any input or thoughts would be greatly appreciated, and as always, if you would like to donate to our IVF fund, PLEASE click the widget to the right or visit our ChipIn Page!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful Friday!

One step forward, two steps back....

The story of my life, right?  I found out this morning via my family doctor that all of the testing that I have to have BEFORE I can get started will have to be paid for UP FRONT, OUT OF POCKET.  I have to have things like HIV testing, Hep A & B, Ruebella, CBC, and some stuff I have never heard of.  My family doctor says there is no way to code this where it is medically necessary.  I'm thinking as far as the CBC if I go and tell them I don't feel well and need bloodwork, how the heck is that not medically necessary?  I called the local health department and they can do the HIV testing there for free, but zilch on the rest.  I can only imagine how much this will cost, and I just can't afford it.  So, I guess we definately won't be starting IVF in January..I still have $4000 to save, plus city and county property taxes coming up, and now add all of this testing that is expensive and only good for one year.  I don't know what to do!! I am literally at my wits end... Suggestions? Prayers? I'll take them all at this point. : - (


EDIT **** It's not showing on my widget, but I had my first donation!!  Thank you so much Kandi for giving things a boost!! Check out her blog HERE ... Donations will show up, it will take me a few days to accept because I haven't used my paypal in awhile and I'm having to verfiy my bank account again.