God's Perfect Timing...

God’s perfect timing…

I have been studying Baby Hunger (an amazing book by Beth Forbus) on and off for a while now.  Today, I started reading Zacharias & Elizabeth’s story again.  This story is a perfect example of how God does things in His perfect time.  Sometimes, that concept is *SO hard for me to grasp.  We have been through so much - first cancer, and for the past two and a half years, infertility.  I’m tired of waiting..I am READY.

Zacharias and Elizabeth were amazing people.  Always doing things according to God’s will, and living the life that a Christian couple should live.  They were very deserving, outstanding people.  The only thing wrong with Zacharias and Elizabeth was the thing that has proven to be a hurdle for so many of us: they could not conceive.  We can all mostly relate to this.  We are good people.  We live our lives the right way.  We would make wonderful parents, raise our children in church, provide a loving and stable household for our children – yet we have been through relentless cycles, needle pokes, and negative tests.  Why is it fair that the couple that is addicted to drugs, who fights constantly, and do so many un-Godly things, can bring home children, yet we can’t? Why can the 15 year old girl, who has just began living herself, get pregnant, but I can’t?  I know I’m not alone..I’m not the only person who has felt this way. 

Beth Forbus writes, “You may have felt that God is punishing you for some wrong you have committed, or perhaps punishing your spouse…”  I, personally, have had that exact same sentence run through my head.  She then writes “God had a purpose and a plan for this couple (Zacharias & Elizabeth) and for their child.  He had an appointed time for this child to be born.  This child was a child of purpose...”  God knew that their child was destined to be someone special.  Jeremiah 1:5 says, ““Before I formed you in the womb I knew[a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”  Had God not made Elizabeth barren, and then filled her womb in that particular time in her life, perhaps they would have not borne John the Baptist! 

So, you see, maybe God IS waiting on the perfect time to fill your womb.  He already knows which child is destined to be YOUR child.  He already knows your perfect match.  Whether it be through adoption or pregnancy, God already has MY child picked for me.  I just have to learn to wait for His timing. 

   

We want to adopt!!

We want to adopt!

2011 was definitely a whirl wind for our little family, to say the least.  After finding out for sure in August 2010 that my husband’s cancer treatment left us in that “infertile” category, we knew that ART namely, IVF was our route.  No charting, planning, trying that “normal” couples do…Just blood testing, ultrasounds, needle pricks that us lucky infertiles get to endure.  So, in January 2011, we had round one of IVF with Dr. Raymond Ke at the Fertility Associates of Memphis.  We had a flawless cycle, with a 3 day transfer of two little embryos.  Unfortunately cycle one was a bust.. I cried, I got angry, and then I picked myself up and started planning to try again.   The battle had only just begun, and I wasn’t giving up yet.  In September/ October 2011 we were ready for round two.  After one or two scary moments, we transferred two 8 cell grade 1, perfect by all medical standards, embryos.  Unfortunately, this too was a bust, but this time we had one little guy make it to freeze.  Two cycles, four lost embryos, and a whole heck of a lot of hormones pumped through my body, blood drawn, being put to sleep twice for retrievals, and a combined six days of bed rest in one year was just too much.  It really took a toll on my body and my heart.  I knew after the second failed IVF that it was still my destiny to be a mom, but maybe it isn’t my destiny to experience pregnancy.  The idea of adoption had crossed my mind many times before, but I never whole heartedly felt ready.  We actually contacted an adoption agency after our first failed IVF, and even researched it some, but I felt in my heart I had to try another IVF.  After the emotional turmoil of number two, I knew that my body wasn’t ready, and may not ever be ready for the emotional stress of another round of fertility treatment.  At this point, I really started thinking more and more about adoption.  I started to realize that maybe God had other plans for us.  Maybe the perfect child for us is being created as I type this.  When FNF’s Amy started sharing her story about sweet baby Liam, I knew that adoption was something that I wanted to do.  Amy and Logan have been such inspiration in our journey.  During my first IVF, I ran across Amy’s blog, and realized that she and Logan were on the exact same schedule as we were, right down to the day of retrieval and transfer.  Going through an experience like IVF and fighting infertility, you need someone who understands you to cling to in your journey, and FNF has been that for me.  They provide so much support, prayer, and so much of their own lives, you feel like you are never alone.  I know that God has the perfect baby for my family, and realizing that once I bring that sweet baby home, it is mine, no matter how he/or she comes into this world, is half the battle won.  So now, I am sharing my story, spreading the word, in hopes that someone out there will hear my plea, and feel like their baby was created for our family. 

Sad, Sad, Sad

I hoped that I could start 2012 with a new outlook...I hoped that my broken heart would somehow, miracously, mend itself.  But it hasn't..We are now 11 days into the new year...And I'm finding it harder and harder to put a smile on my face.  Don't get me wrong..I am SO thankful for my health, my husbands health, and my amazing family.  But I am just stuck...I always had a plan..I would be married by 23, which I was...and a mother by 25..Obviously, God and I didn't have the same plan..Instead, I am an almost 26 year old, motherless woman..Stuck because I can't afford another IVF...and even if I could, I'm not sure if I could put my body and mind through another..And with my husband's medical history, we can't afford to put our money into an adoption agency, because we have been told that cancer survivors rarely get placed with newborn babies.  So, there's nothing I can do, unless someone just decides, "Hey, I want you to raise my baby."  and it stinks... All of my friends are mothers, or almost mothers...bonding with each other..and I'm just here alone..I don't fit in with them, I don't have diapers and breast feeding or anything to talk about with them...I don't feel like I have a place to belong anymore...Except with my FNF girls... And I don't think any of them live around here...So where do I go from here??? 

Something new, big, and exciting!!!!

As the beginning date for our next IVF draws nearer, I would like to share some wonderful friends that I have met through infertility.  Amy and Logan are two amazing ladies who are doing wonderful things.  They have taken the ugly battle with infertility, and turned it into something inspirational, informative, and supportive for ladies like myself who struggle with infertility.  I encourage you to please take a moment out of your day, whether you struggle with infertility or not, to go read their blogs.  Read their journey.  It gives me so much encouragement to know that I am not alone, and that these ladies, despite the hurt that infertility has caused, still believe and trust whole heartedly in our God. 

They are also doing something else big! They have started a non profit organization called Faith N Fertility Journey's for women like myself who are struggling and need support.  I also encourage you to visit their Facebook page (search for Faith N Fertility Journeys.) There are tons of info, links, blogs, and ladies/men that are there willing to listen and help! 

To end this post with the biggest news of all, Faith N Fertility Journey's will be launching their website, faithnfertility.org in September.  There you will find tons of information and links and even meet ladies who have struggled, are struggling, and are beginning their journeys with infertility!  Exciting things to come!!!

Logan's Blog Here

Amy's Blog Here