Pregnancy Loss: My daily struggle..

11 days  since my D&C.  The physical pain is minimal; the emotional pain is sometimes overbearing.  The toll that infertility in itself can take on a person and on a marriage is sometimes devastating.  The toll that losing my IVF miracle, which I prayed for 2 years for, has been catastrophic.  I never believed that a mother formed a connection with her child in early pregnancy.  Now my view is totally different.  I could not yet physically feel my baby at 9 weeks, but from the day I got that positive beta, I formed a connection with my unborn child.  I no longer felt like my body belonged to me.  My body belonged to my baby.  Its sole purpose was to take care of my child.  I no longer felt alone when I was physically alone.  From the 5^th week on, we watched our baby grow.  We watched that beautiful heart flicker on the screen of our child.  I came home from the surgery center that day, feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my body.  A part of me was left there that day, and that part of me will never be whole again.  I will never stop aching for my baby.  They say that time heals all pain, and I have to believe that. 

Yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry.  I think that is a big step forward.  I laughed a little for the first time in over a week.  The thing that keeps me going is the feeling that there has to be a reason for all of this.  There is a purpose.  I chose not to believe that it is because my child wasn’t genetically perfect (my baby WAS perfect, that is why I chose not to have it sent for genetic testing.)  There is some reason, which will slap me in the face one day.  I didn’t pray after I lost my baby.  I didn’t have the words or thoughts.  All I felt was anger.  I am still angry; but last night I was able to ask why.  I asked to please show me why, that there HAD to be a reason, and I need to see what it is.  People say that God needed my baby more than I did, that is was too special for earth.  I’m not sure I can find comfort in that yet, but I know my baby is in Heaven, perfectly healthy, and hopefully sitting on that front porch swing between my grandma and grandpa, like I did so many times as a child. 

I will get thru this.  My marriage will survive this.  One day at a time. 

"Each day is a new life. Seize it. Live it."

~ David Guy Powers

FET update..

Well, this frozen embryo transfer has proven to be more stressful than a fresh cycle for me.  Whew! To play catch up, I went to the RE last Wednesday.  My lining was only at 7.2, when the doctor wanted it to be an 8.  He increased my estrace from two 2mg pills daily to 3.  I went back on Saturday, my lining had made it up to 7.9.  I was told to come back on Tuesday (today) and if my lining and estrogen levels weren't better, my cycle would be canceled.  Blagh.  I have never had lining problems with cycles before.  2 fresh cycles, 2 perfect linings.  Needless to say I have been on an emotional (and hormonal) whirlwind the past week.  This mornings ultrasound showed my lining to be at a 8.5 with a nice triple stripe.  So, I find myself sitting here doing the usual..waiting waiting waiting on the doctor to call.  Keeping my fingers crossed!!

Hello Lupron Headache

Hello Lupron Headache . . . .

Why hello! I was wondering how long it would take you to arrive.  I knew to expect you, I just didn’t count on you showing up so soon, so unexpected. 

Argh…I did Lupron injections during IVF #1 ….I did Gainarelix (spelling?) during numero dos….So, its been a while.. I’m not one to have severe side effects from fertility drugs (if you don’t count the rage, mood swings, need to break things…) but I did have some headaches from Lupron the first time.  It just seems like it took it a tid bit longer to get into my system than one measly injection. 

All complaining aside, the shot went fairly well..If you’ve given yourself one shot, you’ve given yourself a million. 

This morning I started 2mg of Estrace, that will be done morning and evening..I did use Estrace the last time, just a blue pill, no biggy, right? 

The things we ladies do to have children…

We want to adopt!!

We want to adopt!

2011 was definitely a whirl wind for our little family, to say the least.  After finding out for sure in August 2010 that my husband’s cancer treatment left us in that “infertile” category, we knew that ART namely, IVF was our route.  No charting, planning, trying that “normal” couples do…Just blood testing, ultrasounds, needle pricks that us lucky infertiles get to endure.  So, in January 2011, we had round one of IVF with Dr. Raymond Ke at the Fertility Associates of Memphis.  We had a flawless cycle, with a 3 day transfer of two little embryos.  Unfortunately cycle one was a bust.. I cried, I got angry, and then I picked myself up and started planning to try again.   The battle had only just begun, and I wasn’t giving up yet.  In September/ October 2011 we were ready for round two.  After one or two scary moments, we transferred two 8 cell grade 1, perfect by all medical standards, embryos.  Unfortunately, this too was a bust, but this time we had one little guy make it to freeze.  Two cycles, four lost embryos, and a whole heck of a lot of hormones pumped through my body, blood drawn, being put to sleep twice for retrievals, and a combined six days of bed rest in one year was just too much.  It really took a toll on my body and my heart.  I knew after the second failed IVF that it was still my destiny to be a mom, but maybe it isn’t my destiny to experience pregnancy.  The idea of adoption had crossed my mind many times before, but I never whole heartedly felt ready.  We actually contacted an adoption agency after our first failed IVF, and even researched it some, but I felt in my heart I had to try another IVF.  After the emotional turmoil of number two, I knew that my body wasn’t ready, and may not ever be ready for the emotional stress of another round of fertility treatment.  At this point, I really started thinking more and more about adoption.  I started to realize that maybe God had other plans for us.  Maybe the perfect child for us is being created as I type this.  When FNF’s Amy started sharing her story about sweet baby Liam, I knew that adoption was something that I wanted to do.  Amy and Logan have been such inspiration in our journey.  During my first IVF, I ran across Amy’s blog, and realized that she and Logan were on the exact same schedule as we were, right down to the day of retrieval and transfer.  Going through an experience like IVF and fighting infertility, you need someone who understands you to cling to in your journey, and FNF has been that for me.  They provide so much support, prayer, and so much of their own lives, you feel like you are never alone.  I know that God has the perfect baby for my family, and realizing that once I bring that sweet baby home, it is mine, no matter how he/or she comes into this world, is half the battle won.  So now, I am sharing my story, spreading the word, in hopes that someone out there will hear my plea, and feel like their baby was created for our family. 

My Ovaries Hurt!

Geesh..they are throbbing..and it's worse at night..not too noticable during the day, but a pain here and there.  But at night, it's impossible to get comfy.  Finally, after 30 minutes of rolling around last night, I put a pillow under my tummy and laid flatt.  As I mentioned in the previous post, I went to FAM for bloodwork yesterday.  They called me a few hours later, said to keep my dosages the same last night and tonight, and then I go back in the morning for more bloodwork and an ultrasound..Maybe they'll be able to see tomorrow how my follies are doing...I would bet my right one is doing better than my  left because I can really feel it. I'm kind of scared, I just hope that they are seeing lots of follicles..thats a big fear of mine at this point.  Anyways, hope everyone has a great day!

Top 2 Tuesday

Link up over at Taylor's Blog

Top two things on your Christmas wish list.......

My wish list is a little different from everyone else...we are not in the position to do gifts this year with the expenses that we will be paying for at the beginning of next year..so I don't think about the superficial things that I would love to have this year...so, here goes...

1.  A baby....I know I have beat this subject with a stick and ran over it twice..but it's true..I say baby because I hope God keeps providing for us the way he has been, and we are able to qualify for this compassionate care program for free drugs...If we qualify for this, we will almost have enough to pay for our IVF in January, which hopefully (***Crosses fingers****) will give us a sweet little baby (ies) by next Christmas...that would be my dream come true...

2. Continued good health for my husband.. We have been sooo lucky to have the amazing hospital and amazing doctors in our lives.  They saved him and I am fully convinced that without their will to save lives and their love of cancer research my husband wouldn't have came as far as he has today.  He is perfectly healthy.  The Radiologist showed us the scans yesterday right after they were taken and said, yet again, that Matt's nasal cavity where the tumor once consumed is now textbook perfect.  There is no scarring or anything there that would suggest the tumor had ever been there, which is rare with as much radiation as he had to that area.  They also published his facial measurements because he has come so far since treatment.  They said he really was a star patient.  There is nothing better in this world that watching the interactions between the doctors and patients at St. Jude.  I can't put into words the relief and tension that goes away when we leave St. Jude with a great report like we did yesterday!!