11 days since my D&C. The physical pain is minimal; the emotional pain is sometimes overbearing. The toll that infertility in itself can take on a person and on a marriage is sometimes devastating. The toll that losing my IVF miracle, which I prayed for 2 years for, has been catastrophic. I never believed that a mother formed a connection with her child in early pregnancy. Now my view is totally different. I could not yet physically feel my baby at 9 weeks, but from the day I got that positive beta, I formed a connection with my unborn child. I no longer felt like my body belonged to me. My body belonged to my baby. Its sole purpose was to take care of my child. I no longer felt alone when I was physically alone. From the 5th week on, we watched our baby grow. We watched that beautiful heart flicker on the screen of our child. I came home from the surgery center that day, feeling like my heart had been ripped out of my body. A part of me was left there that day, and that part of me will never be whole again. I will never stop aching for my baby. They say that time heals all pain, and I have to believe that.
Yesterday was the first day I didn’t cry. I think that is a big step forward. I laughed a little for the first time in over a week. The thing that keeps me going is the feeling that there has to be a reason for all of this. There is a purpose. I chose not to believe that it is because my child wasn’t genetically perfect (my baby WAS perfect, that is why I chose not to have it sent for genetic testing.) There is some reason, which will slap me in the face one day. I didn’t pray after I lost my baby. I didn’t have the words or thoughts. All I felt was anger. I am still angry; but last night I was able to ask why. I asked to please show me why, that there HAD to be a reason, and I need to see what it is. People say that God needed my baby more than I did, that is was too special for earth. I’m not sure I can find comfort in that yet, but I know my baby is in Heaven, perfectly healthy, and hopefully sitting on that front porch swing between my grandma and grandpa, like I did so many times as a child.
I will get thru this. My marriage will survive this. One day at a time.
"Each day is a new life. Seize it. Live it."
~ David Guy Powers
