FET update..

Well, this frozen embryo transfer has proven to be more stressful than a fresh cycle for me.  Whew! To play catch up, I went to the RE last Wednesday.  My lining was only at 7.2, when the doctor wanted it to be an 8.  He increased my estrace from two 2mg pills daily to 3.  I went back on Saturday, my lining had made it up to 7.9.  I was told to come back on Tuesday (today) and if my lining and estrogen levels weren't better, my cycle would be canceled.  Blagh.  I have never had lining problems with cycles before.  2 fresh cycles, 2 perfect linings.  Needless to say I have been on an emotional (and hormonal) whirlwind the past week.  This mornings ultrasound showed my lining to be at a 8.5 with a nice triple stripe.  So, I find myself sitting here doing the usual..waiting waiting waiting on the doctor to call.  Keeping my fingers crossed!!

The Strength to Try Again...

How do we find the strength to try again after a failed cycle...and then another failed cycle..It's amazing what our minds and our bodies can endure. The questions that run through my mind after each failed IVF... Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I being punished while everyone else can build a family? ...And the main two that I struggle with are 1.) Haven't we already been through enough? ( My husband is a cancer survivor = the reason for our infertility) and 2.) If I were healthier, would my embryo's have wanted to stick around? When my first IVF failed, I went through a period of mourning my lost babies, but held a little bit of optimism. After about a week, I geared up and starting saving, planning, preparing to try again. We had no frozen embryos from this cycle, so we knew it would be another fresh cycle. With our second failure in October of 2011, came a whole new set of emotions. I went through a phase where I was so angry at myself, my doctors, and at one point, even God. After all, we only had 3 vials of sperm frozen prior to Matt's chemotherapy, and now 2 of them were gone. I also suffered from depression. I never wanted to be the person who had to rely on medication to feel better. But after weeks of spending every afternoon and evening crying and living in confinement away from any chance that I may see a pregnant person, or a baby, I began taking Celexa, which I took for 4 months. I have been off of it for about 4 weeks now, and so far so good. I decided that 2012 would be a better year for me. I would try to become a healthier (both mentally and physically) version of myself. We also made the decision that we wanted to explore private adoption. Our story on FNF has been shared hundreds of times. I am emotionally in a better state now than I have been since before we began ART. While I don't want to do another fresh cycle anytime in the near future, I have agreed to a FET in June. We did have one little embryo make it to freeze with our second IVF. The realization that I will become a mother one day, whether that child is genetically "ours" or not, has given me the strength to try again. I have also set a personal goal for myself. I WILL run a 5k at least one time before thaw day. I have never been able to run, and so I decided that this year I am going to get in shape, and I WILL learn how to run. I began week 4 of a 9 week Couch-to-5k program, and am so happy to say that tonight I hit the half way mark, and successfully ran half of the 5k. This in itself is a milestone for me. I have also offically lost 10 pounds! I know this may seem silly, but God willing, our embryo survives thaw and is transferred, I will KNOW that I am not to blame. I will know that I am healthy, physically and emotionally, and that I have prepared my body for pregnancy.

How do you find the strength to try again?

We want to adopt!!

We want to adopt!

2011 was definitely a whirl wind for our little family, to say the least.  After finding out for sure in August 2010 that my husband’s cancer treatment left us in that “infertile” category, we knew that ART namely, IVF was our route.  No charting, planning, trying that “normal” couples do…Just blood testing, ultrasounds, needle pricks that us lucky infertiles get to endure.  So, in January 2011, we had round one of IVF with Dr. Raymond Ke at the Fertility Associates of Memphis.  We had a flawless cycle, with a 3 day transfer of two little embryos.  Unfortunately cycle one was a bust.. I cried, I got angry, and then I picked myself up and started planning to try again.   The battle had only just begun, and I wasn’t giving up yet.  In September/ October 2011 we were ready for round two.  After one or two scary moments, we transferred two 8 cell grade 1, perfect by all medical standards, embryos.  Unfortunately, this too was a bust, but this time we had one little guy make it to freeze.  Two cycles, four lost embryos, and a whole heck of a lot of hormones pumped through my body, blood drawn, being put to sleep twice for retrievals, and a combined six days of bed rest in one year was just too much.  It really took a toll on my body and my heart.  I knew after the second failed IVF that it was still my destiny to be a mom, but maybe it isn’t my destiny to experience pregnancy.  The idea of adoption had crossed my mind many times before, but I never whole heartedly felt ready.  We actually contacted an adoption agency after our first failed IVF, and even researched it some, but I felt in my heart I had to try another IVF.  After the emotional turmoil of number two, I knew that my body wasn’t ready, and may not ever be ready for the emotional stress of another round of fertility treatment.  At this point, I really started thinking more and more about adoption.  I started to realize that maybe God had other plans for us.  Maybe the perfect child for us is being created as I type this.  When FNF’s Amy started sharing her story about sweet baby Liam, I knew that adoption was something that I wanted to do.  Amy and Logan have been such inspiration in our journey.  During my first IVF, I ran across Amy’s blog, and realized that she and Logan were on the exact same schedule as we were, right down to the day of retrieval and transfer.  Going through an experience like IVF and fighting infertility, you need someone who understands you to cling to in your journey, and FNF has been that for me.  They provide so much support, prayer, and so much of their own lives, you feel like you are never alone.  I know that God has the perfect baby for my family, and realizing that once I bring that sweet baby home, it is mine, no matter how he/or she comes into this world, is half the battle won.  So now, I am sharing my story, spreading the word, in hopes that someone out there will hear my plea, and feel like their baby was created for our family. 

Is that crickets I hear???...

I know, I know...World's worst blogger..I haven't been on here in ages.. I am ashamed..But Kandice gave me motivation to come back since she has.  So, I will try to become a better blogger. blah blah blah

So what have I been up to since my last entry??? First of all, we lost my sweet grandpa last Thursday.  He had developed dementia, and had possibly had a stroke.  I got to spend the day before with him, and thank God, he knew me.  I also got to hear him pray in a language, that according to the preacher there, is ancient and not many people ever get to hear.  I know he was right with the Lord, and he was ready to go.  In the four years since his wife's passing, he has dreamt of the day when he would see her again.  How sweet it must have been when he saw her face again.

I also have another failed IVF under my belt...Now I am just kind of..stuck? No money to move forward, and not sure if my body and mind can handle ANOTHER round of IVF...  We do have one frostie in the freezer, but do I go through another round of meds, etc for one frostie? I mean I will eventually, but my mind has to be able to grasp it first. For now, I have moved on to another goal...

Weight loss! I am ashamed to say that I have gained around 25 pounds during my two IVF's and I am ready for it to be GONE.  I am ready to physically and mentally feel better.  This is the first step.  Right now I am following a plan I found on Pinterest.  It basically outlines every day of the week M-F with 20 minutes of cardio with strength training.  I add to the cardio doing anywhere from 30 to 45 minutes a day right now and I tweak the cardio adding reps to my strong parts.  I hope to gradually be able to add to this plan.  Here is today's card:

 Hope every has a wonderful hump day!

Something new, big, and exciting!!!!

As the beginning date for our next IVF draws nearer, I would like to share some wonderful friends that I have met through infertility.  Amy and Logan are two amazing ladies who are doing wonderful things.  They have taken the ugly battle with infertility, and turned it into something inspirational, informative, and supportive for ladies like myself who struggle with infertility.  I encourage you to please take a moment out of your day, whether you struggle with infertility or not, to go read their blogs.  Read their journey.  It gives me so much encouragement to know that I am not alone, and that these ladies, despite the hurt that infertility has caused, still believe and trust whole heartedly in our God. 

They are also doing something else big! They have started a non profit organization called Faith N Fertility Journey's for women like myself who are struggling and need support.  I also encourage you to visit their Facebook page (search for Faith N Fertility Journeys.) There are tons of info, links, blogs, and ladies/men that are there willing to listen and help! 

To end this post with the biggest news of all, Faith N Fertility Journey's will be launching their website, faithnfertility.org in September.  There you will find tons of information and links and even meet ladies who have struggled, are struggling, and are beginning their journeys with infertility!  Exciting things to come!!!

Logan's Blog Here

Amy's Blog Here

I suck at blogging; Life, IVF # 2, and all that good stuff

So, yeah.  I have said it before.  Now I will say it again.  I SUCK at blogging.  Really, really suck.  I'm not sure if it is because I am so busy...or just lazy...I get on here and read other people's blogs..I just really suck at updating my own. 

So, what have I been doing in my spare time you ask? 

Not really much of anything..I have been working my Monday thru Friday job and brushing up on my photog skills on Saturdays.  I have taken some really fun photos in the past couple of weeks.  Check out little baby Jack!

And here he is again with his mommy and daddy.

Photography would never be a career for me.  I love taking pictures, I love editing pictures...but I don't love charging people.  I would never have the patience to decide what I wanted to charge people, and I could never get over the fear of that "client" hating my photos.  I sure do not see how Kandice does it.  But she takes amazing photos, I couldn't imagine a client being un satisfied with her work.  I have, reluctantly, been doing a few photos that I have gotten paid for.  But only because I am still frantically saving to finish paying for our second IVF.  Which leads me to....



IVF # 2..... argh, just saying it aloud makes me sick to my stomach.  I am terrified...scratch that..I am horrified... My fear is so much worse than it was the first time around.  I am not saying exactly when we will begin our next IVF, because we aren't making it public locally this time, and there are a few local people that read my blog....but I am going to say, it is right around the corner.  I have almost all of my meds bought, and am still about a grand short...Any suggestions on how to raise some quick money??   Anyway, I am off to finish up my work day! Maybe I will post again tomorrow???

Catching up...

There is no denying I have been..well..er...lacking, to say the least, in my blogging here lately.  This blog was, for the most part, started to chronicle my infertility journey.  I have unsuccessfully completed one IVF cycle, and hopefully, sooner rather than later, getting ready to begin my second IVF journey.  I am still undecided on how I will go about posting on here..We want to keep as many local people as possible from knowing when we begin IVF again, at least until it's over..It's just too stressful..Now that some local readers, minus Kandi, have found my blog, I am contemplating whether to make my posts invite only ( which seems like it would make it harder for new people to follow my blog) or maybe creating the posts day by day when we begin again, and not actually posting them until our ivf is over.  Advice, anyone?  Anywho, thought I would post a few practice photo's I have been doing while I have been MIA....



What I'm loving Wednesday

Click here to see what everyone else is "lovin"!

My mean little puppy Evey!

She is into absolutely everything. She chews, bites, poops..But I love her..She's also the sweetest little thing..and it makes me feel good to have something to take care of..Even if she wakes me up and 3 am wanting to potty and play!

My camera!

I have been in a photo mood again here lately..I hadn't used it for awhile during our IVF. This weekend, I was in picture taking mode...

Beale Street!!!

Source

                                                                                Source

Our anniversary is April 11th, so a group of friends and their hubs are all going to Beale Street on April 9th for a night of fun! I can't wait! Which leads me to the final thing I am lovin.....

April 11, 2011...Our TWO year anniversary!

What are you loving???

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Nothing really new on IVF...We can't really move forward until we get the money raised / saved to try again.  We have a benefit  yard sale / bake sale planned at the local National Guard Armory on April 23rd, and another bake sale planned in May, organized by the wonderful Kandice over at Scrumpture, where you can also buy the baked goodies online..She makes amazing Girl Scout's Thin Mint Truffles.... We are also still getting some donations through the link on this blog to our GoFundMe page, where you can donate through paypal...We have about $9,000 to go!! I am feeling better about our IVF #1 failure..It still hurts to be around pregnant women, but I guess I'll eventually get used to the sting..3 of my close friends are pregnant, and recently pregnant.  Evey keeps my mind occupied when I am home, because you can't take your eyes off of her for a second! Anyways, hope you have a wonderful day!



New member of the family....

I finally got to bring Evey home today! She is 8 weeks old! I am in love already! We are trying to kennel train her, which was recommended by the breeder, meaning she only comes out when we are holding her..She can't roam freely ..It breaks my heart..She pooped in her kennel on the way home...Got her first bath when we got here and moped around in my lap and cried uncontrollably when I put her in the kennel..The first time I put her on the puppy pad she threw up..Which apparently is normal for a puppy when you bring it home...She finally started eating a little here and there after a couple of hours...And will stay in her kennel when we are in the room..Right now she's sound asleep in my lap, but I know when i go to bed she is going to cry : - ( ...I'm prepared to be heartbroken....

Tonight I went to Kandice's to meet her friend Suzie! Super sweet! We had some wine, ate Mexican food, and conversed for an hour or so..Then I returned home to relieve my hubs of puppy duty!

Our anniversary is April 11...Two wonderful years of being married to the most amazing man I have ever known! I'm so excited..We never do anything though, because we are always saving money..So this year, we have decided to take a little one night trip! We are going on a couple's trip to Memphis! We plan to spend the night walking Beale Street with the Gammill's, Poiriers, Grays, Durhams, Marshalls! I am SOOOO excited! We decided we deserve a night of fun after the 7 months we have had since we found out we would need fertility treatments.....Of course we will be splitting a room and probably gas with another couple..Hey, have to still save what we can!

Where do I go from here? Adoption?

Is that I could find a couple, teenage or married, that are expecting but don't think they could take care of their child...wish for a better life for their child.  I don't want to go through the whole process of applying and waiting..I want God to bring me a couple that have a baby for me to love and take care of...that will just choose me because they know how much I want to be a mother...and how much my dh wants to be a father... I promise I would love that child, raise it, and take care of it like it was my own, because it would be my own.... If you know that couple, could you please send them my way?